the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I just want to be like "i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it"
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
