Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
Randomize
