And her vagina tasted EXACTLY like a slim jim
what day is it and did you see me today?
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
All I know is that every time I looked at my glass it was full again and I thought it would be rude not to drink it
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Randomize
