Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Dude, she had a vegina. I felt like Indiana Jones cutting a path through the jungle.
Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You know what, don't say anything. You all made fun on me for saying I would fuck him junior year when he taught us algebra and six years later, HERE I AM.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
