do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
I'm too horny to sleep. I need some violent sex to wind me down.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
