I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
hell yes lets make some ravioli
My gyno told me the birth control she prescribed reduces sex drive
wats the point then?
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
Randomize
