So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
Randomize
