Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
