Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
The last time I saw you you got angry and yelled "WHISKEY DOESNT COUNT" ... I think that's at least a 7 on the hotmess scale.
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