wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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