You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
why is it that everytime a half black man enters something boring, it suddenly becomes sexy to people? golf? the presidency?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
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