you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
you should be awarded for your promiscuity.
i really should.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize
