Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
