drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.
2nd year in a row being a arrested before school starts...tradition at its finest
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
