ok i said sorry. what else do you want?
100 blowjobs
That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
We're the only two others left at work. My internal monologue is going: TAKE ME. TAKE ME NOWW. ON THE COUNTER. IN FRONT OF THE MANAGER. JUST TAKE MEEE
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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