I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
4 words: hood of his car
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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