He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful
maybe almost giving yourself a concussion counter acts a hangover
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Randomize
