hotel room ftw
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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