I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
