best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
He said that he didn't know what level the sun was on, and then he puked.
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
