if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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