Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
when i saw him today i think my vagina did the equivalent of a stomach growl... its been to long
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
