I apparently spent $173 at the bar last night. The proof is in the vomit on my pillow and the receipt I tried to clean it up with.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I wish I had a picture of me and ron helping that stripper lick her own vagina
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
