she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
I just got fire extinguished by his roommate while we were having sex. That's just taking cock blocking to a whole new level.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I wonder when walk of shame thursdays in the rain will finally make me stop drinking.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
its 4am. iam sitting in the luggage car of the train eating beef jerkey. i feel like a hobo.
dont insult. no hobo is as pathetic as you.
Randomize
