Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
