I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Randomize
