Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
