Your face is a jimmy john
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Currently getting "blaow" buzzed into my pubes. How's your thursday?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
Life goal: sit on his perfect beautiful David Archuleta-lookalike face
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
Remember that one time you told the bartender he was fuckable? Well, he's here.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
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