Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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