I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
Randomize
