remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I was proudly and successfully the first girl ever to get kicked out of a the bar for being too drunk last night. Loving spring break.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
Omg I joined a choir last night...
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
