I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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