Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
