I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
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