i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
the nicest thing hes ever said to me is give me head.......please
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
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