Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
Randomize
