remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?
joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!
I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Randomize
