dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
"I'm looking more at his dick bulge." Never thought I'd hear those words come out of my boyfriend's mouth.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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