He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
BTW I totally understand panda express being popular amongst the highs. I can feel the shrimp being slaughtered in my mouth. It's fantastic.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
