I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Randomize
