Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I had a dream I got back with Amanda. And then cheated on her the same day. Even my conscious is a dick
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Randomize
