He cant even get with danielle. Thats like striking out in t-ball
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
Randomize
