Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
my being single is dangerous.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I should probably just look up vagina pictures in the anatomy textbook. That always cheers me up.
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
If you hear a sad honk in the wind it is me.
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Well he had a nice beard and it smelled good so there was no way I wasn’t going home with him.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Randomize
