The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Burger king has cupcake flavored milkshakes. God dammit America.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
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