So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
these two guys are about to go shot for shot with syrup
now he is talking to a potato
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Someone came in the potted fern
Never in a million years thought I would have to put jello shot recipe/equation into an excel spreadsheet
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
Randomize
