I saved him in my fone as special pumba. he was just pumba but then he found me drugs
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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