fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
I'm really busy with my period
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