It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You kept showing everyone at the bar your bra to prove it matched your shoes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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