I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
