I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
I WOULD NEVER MIX DICK AND MCDONALDS
Is it illegal to hookup with your fathers god child?
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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